I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
