Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
