three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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