she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
