wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Randomize
