If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
