did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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