Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
