You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
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i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
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He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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