Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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