I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
