who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
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