i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
She said her name was "party"
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
