Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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