I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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