I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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