mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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