My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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