I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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