Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
