i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
