I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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