The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
