im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
my poor anus
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize