i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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