Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I am available for nakedness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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