you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Im part way to drunk.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
