Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
