Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
