how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
