who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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