dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though