don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
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Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
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YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.