God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
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hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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