Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
