I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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