I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
