speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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