ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
