T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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