Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
