Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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