My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
