"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Jerry, you need to find god
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
