I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
