Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
