My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
only you would photoshop your dick
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
