i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
