just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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