wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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