Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
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Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.