He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
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After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals