dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
