i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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