Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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