A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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