I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
