she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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