she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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