you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
